Reflecting and Contemplating...

Not sure why I am in such phylosophical mood today...

First of all, I am struggling to figure out why I am the way I am when it comes to relationships. It hit me today that I am absolutely terrified of commitment. I knew I had some issues with it before but I never realized how bad it got till now. The reason I am thinking about it is MB and I are doing really well and I think it has a potential to turn into something really serious and I love that idea. I want that to happen but at the same time I kind of find myself suffocating at times. Coming to think of it, I always felt that way at the beginning of a relationship. I really haven't been in a serious relationship in a year and I was single for about 3 years before that one. I am so used to relying on myself and making my onw decisions without having to take anybody else's opinions or plans into consideration, that I find it incredibly difficult to adjust at times. Any suggestions on how to cope would be greatly appreciated.

Second of all, I am struggling with keeping up with my friends. I can't say that I have A LOT of friends but I have quite a few and most of them are very close friends. Due to the fact that I've moved around the country and the globe a few times, a lot of them are very far away from me. Granted, Facebook, MySpace, texting and cell phones in general have made the communication a lot easier but I still constantly feel guilty for not talking to certain friends enough. I am really starting to feel like I have too many close long-distance friends. Ok, that's a terrible thing to say and I certainly don't want to lose any of them. I am just struggling to find the right balance between having to do some work, so I can pay the bills and spending hours on Facebook.

In fact, I should be working right now instead of blogging. I guess I should get to it.

Have a great weekend!

The Date Report

As I mentioned in the previous post, I've been hanging out with this guy MB a lot lately. We've known each other for more than 2 years and became really close friends. Needless to say, I usually can't make the transition from being friends to dating but when MB asked if I wanted to go to dinner at a very nice restaurant (which I mentioned to him was my favorite place to eat in town), we both knew it was a date...

I was a little nervous about it but once we got there it was just another comfortable evening. I was starving by the time we headed for the restaurant. We ordered a bottle of wine and believe I managed to drink most of it (half of that happened before my steak arrived)... After dinner, we went to the bar in the lower level for a little bit. I had a Mojito... That was the beginning of the end as it turned out...

We went back to my place and I invited MB to come up and hang out for a little while longer since it was still early. Well... I had more wine... Then somehow we got to making out and it was amazing... until, all of a sudden, I felt the urge to throw up, so without saying a word (because I couldn't) I ran over to the bathroom... After that, the only thing I could really do was pass out, so MB put me to bed and left.

Yes, as you can see, I am an awesome date! Now, I really do know that you are not supposed to get wasted on a first date and probably shouldn't do that when you have to be at work at 8am the next morning... Oh well, things happen. MB is still as into me as he was before so stay tuned for more juicy stories.

Oh and by the way, I had to take the first half of the day after off due to a "migraine" :-))

I know, I know I've been boring!!!

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Here's a "reader's digest" version of what's been going on in my life:

• Contemplating a trip half-way around the world to see my family and childhood friends for the first time in 8 years.
• Trying to come up with enough money to finance the said trip...
• Trying to lose 20 lbs in the next 6 weeks
• Finding out that my beloved Grandpa passed away and not being able to make it to his funeral...
• Going to Northern Wisconsin on a business trip and almost dying of hypothermia (ok, that's a slight exaggeration but I swear I had a couple of close calls). Thank God I made a couple of friends up there and they helped me survive the weather by pouring alcoholic beverages down my throat as soon as we were done working for the day.
• Working a lot in general
• Getting really close with one of the guys I work with. We'll call him MB. We've been hanging out and talking a lot for the last month and a half. No funny business, just friends but he asked me to go to dinner at a very expensive restaurant with him tonight... I think it's a date... I am confused...
• Waiting for the new season of LOST to start this Thursday! Is anyone else as psyched about it as I am?

Toodles!

Apparently Every Building in America has an address... Who would have thunk?!

Imagine me getting into a cab at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago trying to go to St. Charles, IL to a resort for a regional meeting last Tuesday morning. Now, just to help your imagination, I was completely exhausted after not sleeping the whole night before due to 12 hours of tornadoes (WTF? It's January! We are supposed to have snow storms, not tornadoes!!!), so, naturally, I am not in the best of moods even though, I have to say, I am still looking fabulous. Here's how my conversation with the cab driver went:

ME: Hi. Do you take credit cards?

Cabby (in a very uncertain voice): Aha... Where to?

ME: Such and Such Resort in St. Charles, IL

Cabby: In what city?

ME: St. Charles...

Cabby: Huh?

ME: You know, the western suburb of Chicago...

Cabby: Aaahmmm address (pushing some buttons on his GPS)

ME: I do not have the exact address but I have very simple directions on how to get there. (I wasn't very prepared because I was supposed to have a ride from the airport but it fell though - long story)

Cabby: (Grabs the paper with directions from my hands and proceeds to put in my home address, which was on an itinerary, stapled to the directions, into his GPS

ME: No, that's not the right address...

Cabby: (10 mins later after several unsuccessful attempts) You gave me the wrong address!

ME: No... I tried to tell you... Keep going straight, I'll tell you exactly where to turn...

After 10 mins of silence, my Cabby comes up with a sacramental phrase...

Cabby: YOU KNOW...EVERY BUILDING IN AMERICA HAS AN ADDRESS!

ME: ??????????

The rest of the ride, he told me he didn't think we were going the right way every 5 mins. Upon arrival at the resort, he searched his car for about 10 mins for a credit card slip (you know, the kind the stores used before they came out with the electronic cc machines; except that he didn't have a machine for it). It took him about 20 mins to write down my cred. card info on the slip and call it in to some mysterious person who approved it...

Needless to say, I took a stretch limo back to the airport the next day for half the price and the driver actually knew where he was going...

At least it was educational...

Oh crap!

Yeah... guess how old Brandon is... 21 freaking years old!!!

That means... he was 10 years old when I had sex for the first time... I graduated with a Bachelor's degree 3 years before he got his high school diploma... oh never mind, I can go on forever!

This sucks! On the other hand... I guess I still got it if a hot 21 year-old is interested in me... and let me tell you... he looks at me like I am the hottest thing he has ever seen! Definitely flattering

Too sleepy to come up with a clever title

I know you all are just dying to hear about what's new in my love life! You are not? Well, that's too bad because I am going to tell you any way!

It's amazing how my Male Harem could change in just one night. So...

Gus - never heard from him again. I am relieved because I didn't want to go out with him in the first place but also a little annoyed. I was supposed to be the one to blow him off, not the other way around!!!

Matt - he is back in the U.S. as of Wednesday but he hasn't really made an effort to contact me via any known ways of modern communication. I was a little sad about it up until last night but I am over it (and you will see why if you continue reading... don't you love the suspense?!)

Milan - he was part of the group of friends I went out with last night. To make the long story short, he had his chance and he blew it.

My Male Harem isn't looking so good but I don't care because I have a date with a super hot guy tonight! We'll call him Brandon...

Brandon - he lives in the same building where my office is (I work on a college campus) and I've seen him around a lot but we never talked. Well, I bumped into him (literally ) at the night club last night. We ended up hanging out the rest of the night. I even made him dance even though it definitely didn't look like it was his cup of tea. We are going out for drinks tonight, so we'll see... Damn, it's been a long time since I had these butterflies! The best part is the way he looked at me the whole night - like I was the most beautiful creature on Earth. I am a little giddy, can you tell? ;-)

Oh and, of course, the added bonus was the fact that Milan saw everything that was going on with me and Brandon at the club and wasn't happy about it... Oh well, he may not even realize it yet, but "you snooze - you lose..."

I am off to try and figure out how I can make my eyes not look so red and see if I can squeeze in a nap in between work, friend's graduation and my date...

Enlighten me!

It's about time I got serious about blogging! Most of the blogs I read talk about their stats. How they looked up who's been reading their blog and how those readers got there by googling certain phrases.

Call me an idiot but I have no clue where to look for that kind of info...

Please enlighten me!!! Anyone?

Male Harem - Take 2

When I first started this blog I was at a point in my life where I needed to date around, so I "collected" men for a while. Well... it's time to do so again. Can't say that my male harem is complete at the moment but I am going to work on that. So far, the members are:

• Gus - someone a friend of mine is trying to set me up with. He seems nice, smart and successful and looking for a serious relationship. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to him at all; however, I will give him a chance. Stay tuned.
• Milan - someone I have known for a couple of years. We have always been friends but there was always a very strong attraction there but the timing was always wrong for anything to happen. We recently made out while we were drunk. Not sure what's going to come out of this one... I like him but he can potentially be trouble for me because we both have very strong personalities, which I like but not sure that can be good for a relationship. On top of that, we are sort of at different points in our lives: he is still in college...
• Matt - Last but definitely not least. Yes, the one who is in Iraq at the moment. We still talk via email and he is coming back in about a week. I know nothing can really happen between us since he'll be living in North Carolina but I just can't let go for some reason. He is someone I can totally see myself marrying, having kids and spending the rest of my life with. So unfair!!!

I'll keep you posted on any new developments or potential members

WTF? My Ex-Love of My Life

I had a little "blast from the past" experience that I'd like to share here. My girlfriend G. (who lives in Illinois, where I spent 3 fine years of my life) called me yesterday to chat. She told me that she went out to a local hang out the night before and ran into someone who had a message for me... That certain someone was Eric - aka the only guy I was truly in love with. I think I may have blogged about him before but don't feel like searching for the link.

To make the long story short, Eric swept me off my feet, made me forget all about being cautious, taught me how to trust a guy I am with, introduced me to his parents, made plans for our future and...messed me up for life by dumping me without an explanation!

I had never been as upset over a boy. I literally laid in bed for a week, didn't eat or drink, just stared at the ceiling. Now, all of this happened more than 3 years ago. While I am completely over Eric and would not want to have anything to do with him, I could never become indifferent to what is going on in his life, for some reason.

Any how, Eric asked G. if she could give me his message. He wanted me to know that even though he was a jerk at the time and didn't explain anything to me, I was the best girlfriend he had ever had. He felt like he needed to propose to me right then and there but he knew I was going to move away and he didn't think he could ask me to stay just for him, plus he just wasn't ready for a serious commitment at the time...

What a bunch of bullshit! First of all, I found out later that he actually started seeing someone else before he broke up with me and dated her for about 6 months afterwards. We never talked about me moving away and I actually told him that I wasn't ready to get married at the time when HE started talking about that possibility. WTF? Why did he feel the need to apologize now? He is married; I haven't seen him or talked to him in 3 years. It just bothers me that he is trying to come up with some lame excuses for his piggish behavior when it is way too late.

Not sure where I was going with this. Just wanted to vent!

WTF? My weird dates - Part 2

So the next story is about Brian. We met online a couple of years ago. Seemed to have a good conversation over email and I was excited to meet him. He kind of seemed too good to be true: smart, handsome, successful.

So we went out for a drink... Within the first 15 minutes, Brian asked me if there was something I wanted to share with him that I usually don't share with people... Hmmmm... I wasn't sure what he was looking for here, so he said he'd go first... He told me he was a nudist...

Now, I consider myself pretty open-minded so I tried to hear him out (even though, I, all of a sudden, had these images of him running around Wal-Mart naked, for some reason). He told me how he found out he liked being naked and I tried to use this as an educational experience for myself by asking questions.

All fine and dandy. Then we went to the movies but the shows were sold out so he suggested watching a movie at his place. Not the best thing to do on the first date but he seemed pretty safe so I agreed. As we are driving to his house he says, "Man! I can't wait to get home and get rid of all of these clothes!" Hmmm... Excuse me? You are planning on doing that as soon as you get home? I told him that he couldn't do that while I was around. He proceeded to tell me how it was a very natural thing to do and was nothing sexual. I could totally be down with that had we been dating for a while and already checked out each other's private parts but... on the first date? No thanks!

WTF? My weird dates - Part 1

Since my dating life is non-existent at the moment, I thought I'd entertain you with some stories from the past. I've had my share of dates - some good, some bad and some downright ugly...

So, the first one that comes to mind is my last date with Trent this past summer. I think I mentioned how Trent and I went to college together and went out on a date once back in 2000. I didn't want to go on a second date with him back then for some reason but couldn't remember why when he re-surfaced in my life a few months ago (thanks to the modern technology, aka facebook).

I enjoyed talking to him via email so I figured I'd give him another shot and see what happens. We went out for a nice dinner and drinks, had a decent time and I invited him to come in for a bit when he walked me to my door. Well, one thing lead to another and we started making out... OMG! He was the worst kisser ever! I can't even explain it, I just felt like I was kissing a 12-year old who had no idea what to do with his lips/tongue/teeth... Grrrgh... Hmmm I think I know why our first date 7 years ago didn't lead anywhere...

To make the matters worse though, he took our making out session to the next level: HE STARTED LICKING MY EYE LIDS!!! WTF??? Is that sexy to anybody? Am I the only person who thinks that's creepy? All I kept thinking about was how I was going to wake up with an eye infection from all of that slobber!

He was a pretty nice guy but I could never bring myself to go out with him again. Just didn't want to be subjected to all of that saliva all over my face. Sorry!

I am a victim of my own stalking!

Is it possible? Damn right, it is!

M. and I emailed back and forth for a while yesterday and I came to the conclusion that nothing was really going to come out of this. He just didn't seem that into me. I still wasn't ready to give up, however.

Well, today, feeling lonely and stalkerish, I decided to check and see if he still had a personals profile on yahoo where we originally met 2 years ago. Turns out... he does and he is very active on there. I know it's not a big deal but it actually hurt a lot. I was so into him that I couldn't even think about any other guys, so this just happened to be the last drop.

I am back to my realistic and cynical self. No more flying on cloud nine.

Time Change... Grrrrgh!

OMG! This whole time change screwed me up today! I got to work at 7am!!! Now I didn't forget about it. I changed all of the clocks yesterday but I always use my phone for an alarm and the time on there usually updates automatically, so I didn't even check. Well... it didn't, so I woke up at 5:45am instead of 6:45am! Such an idiot! Oh well, getting a lot of stuff done at work this morning.

As far as M. goes, I was feeling especially vulnerable yesterday (mostly due to PMS). I hadn't heard from M. in 3 days but what concerned me even more was the fact that his emails kept getting shorter and shorter last week and I kind of felt like I was forcing him to talk to me. So, against my better judgement, I decided to email him last night:

"Well it didn't take you long to lose interest... slacker" Tried to keep it light, sort of...And he replied right back""hey im busy! you didn't write me either, my @$#&* queen (I can't disclose the whole nickname he has for me but it's sort of cutesy"Not exactly the answer I was hoping for but better than nothing. I guess not everything is lost yet.

So we emailed back and forth this morning for a while. He mentioned how he was going to surprise his family for Christmas because they all think he is not coming back till January. I was hoping he would mention something about coming to see me in December too but he never did. Well, I am not asking him about it but if he doesn't make any effort to see me by the end of they year, I am going to give up completely. For now, I still have a little bit of hope left.

I need to keep busy!

Well, I have decided to take the back seat on the whole long distance relationship with M. Whatever happens... happens. My problem is I am a problem solver by nature. I don't like to sit around and wait; I design the plan of attack and start acting. It's gotten me pretty far in the business world but unfortunately, has gotten me in trouble in my personal life quite a few times.

Every time I found someone I really wanted to be with, I somehow managed to screw up by being too pushy.

As hard as it is for me, I am going to try not to do that this time... unless I get really drunk and start drunk-emailing ;-))

Sooooo, since I need to stay extremely busy in order to live up to the above promise, I am trying to come up with things to do this weekend (as luck would have it, I have absolutely no plans as of right now).

Friday night

• Get home from work
• Go to the gym
• Clean up the apartment
• Invite a couple of friends over to drink wine

Saturday

• Sleep in
• Go to the gym
• Go to the mall with a friend
• Come home and change clothes
• Go to the Hockey game
• Come home and get ready for a night on the town
• Go out with two favourite girls ever!

Sunday

• Be lazy

I think that's a good start, don't you?

Update

This whole "being patient" thing sucks! I am working on it though ;-D

M. and I have been emailing back and forth. I am happy. He is doing fine. Luckily, his job in Iraq is not as dangerous as some others. Of course, that doesn't mean he is completely safe but it gives me some comfort!

We have not really talked about whether and/or how we are going to see each other in December. I am dieing to bring that up but afraid to blow the whole thing by being to pushy...

On a different note, I was messing around one of those sites that help you find classmates, old friends, etc and found this guy I went to school with (grades 1st-8th) whom I hadn't talked to in about 12 years. I sent him an email and he responded with, "Hi, my First Love". Whaaaaaat? I had no idea this guy ever had a crush on me. There were these two other boys in our class that competed for my attention but this one was always just a friend to me... Hmmmm... That felt strangely good to know that someone had a crush on me many years ago... and by the way, he sent me some pictures and he looks amazing. Never thought a skinny little boy could turn into such a good looking man ...

I am back with more love life drama than I can handle!

Not sure if anyone reads this any more but I need to vent.

A lot of things happened in the last couple of months. The weekend before last changed my life though. I met someone really special... His name is Matt...

Matt and I met online 2 years ago when I moved to a new town, not knowing a soul. He lived about 45 mins away from here. We spent some time emailing back and forth; tried to meet up a couple of times but never could find the time that worked for both of us. Then I started dating someone and Matt moved away. We lost touch.

He emailed me a couple of months ago out of the blue. It turned out he was now in Iraq (He is an engineer for the Army) but he came back to the U.S. every month or so. We talked on the phone a few times and texted a lot whenever he was back in the country. He told me he was going to be about 3 hours away from where I live for about 2 weeks this month and offered to meet up.

I tried to talk him into coming to visit me but he was not allowed to go out of town because of his job so he said I should come visit instead. The whole thing seemed a little shady to me so I wasn't going to go. When the weekend came; however, I had absolutely no plans so I threw caution to the wind and drove for 3.5 hours to meet Matt.

I was prepared to be disappointed. I figured we would go out for a drink and call it a night...

We clicked. I can't explain it. He is completely not the type I usually go for but it felt so natural! We ended up doing some bar hopping, drinking mojitos and playing some pool. When it was time to call it a night, we went back to the hotel where we were both staying in separate rooms, mind you :-) It turned out that the hotel was overbooked and I didn't have a room since I didn't check in earlier in the night... So we went to Matt's room (he promised to be a perfect gentleman) and watched some TV cuddling in a chair. The combination of the alcohol we consumed that night and knowing that it was our last chance to see each other for a long time did the trick... I know I sound really cheesy but the night was magical! That's all I am going to say about that. He had to work the next morning and I drove back home.

I figured that was the end of it. We had a great time but that was it. Well... he called me 15 minutes after I left and... we've been talking non-stop ever since liking each other more and more. Sounds magical, right? Not even! In fact, we are probably in for getting hurt. He went back to Iraq yesterday. He should be back for good in December but... he will be in North Carolina... not exactly driving distance. We both realize that the chances of anything happenning are very slim. I tried to pick a fight with Matt a couple of times secretly hoping that I would piss him off, he would stop talking to me and I would move on before getting hurt... He didn't let me do that. So... I am worried sick about him being in Iraq; waiting for a miracle and wanting to hug him so bad that it causes physical pain...

Is it stupid and unrealistic of me? Yes, but what if I miss out on something great just because I am scared? I guess part of me still believes in fairy tales...

Stay tuned

Disclaimer

I was told that I talked about myself too much on this blog...

Well, let me clarify something. I am not a writer, I don't claim to be a writer, in fact, English is not even my first language. So this blog's sole purpose is to serve as an outlet for my thoughts and events in my life. If someone wants to read it - fine, if not - I can't blame them.

What I am trying to say is: THIS BLOG IS ABOUT ME - DEAL WITH IT!

Well Soccer Stud was absolutely perfect for about 3 days after he came back. He texted me randomly to say "sweet dreams" and see how my day is going and even enjoyed chatting on the phone with me even though he usually hated talking on the phone in general. I was really impressed with the fact that he was trying...

But his "goodness" only lasted for 3 days. I invited him over for dinner on Wed night; he texted me 2 hours later saying that he was having dinner with his roommate and he would call me after he was done eating. Not only did he blow off my invitation, did he call me later that night? Hell no!

Then last night he sent me a text asking about my day like nothing happened! I don't know... it might sound like I am picking on him for every little thing but this kind of behavior seems very disrespectful to me and wouldn't get him very far...

He still has one very little chance with me (just because I still kind of like him and the sex is the best I've ever had) but he really needs to impress me with something right now. Otherwise, he is just not worth my time...

Strange feeling

Report on my Life:

• Work

Absolutely nuts. August is extremely busy. THe back problems set me back. I had to take a few days off work. Feeling much better but trying to make up for the lost time is a B*tch!

• Soccer Stud has been trying. He was out of town till yesterday but called and texted me a few times and didn't make any promises he couldn't keep. I was impressed! He came back last night and we went out for ice cream, then watched a movie and cuddled, then had some amazing sex, of course...

Sounds lovely right? It was. I was excited to see him but I had this strange feeling like we were on the first date and it was kind of awkward at the beginning. The sex was still great but I couldn't help but feel strange about the evening in general...

Is it simply because we haven't seen each other in a while and had some communication issues? Will this change if we hang out a couple more times? Or does this mean that the attraction we once had was gone for good? Was I just so consumed with trying to make sure he was interested in me that I forgot to make sure I was interested?

Crippled

WOW! I have never noticed how much we move our bodies even when we are trying to be still. I have been in excruciating pain for the last 3 days. Finally went to the doctor yesterday. He thinks I have an inflamed disk in my lower back; gave me some medicine and some pain killers. However, the pain killers aren't working for me. It still hurts to sit, stand, walk and pretty much move. I am thinking about chasing the painkillers with a bottle of tequila to intensify the effect.

The real bummer is though is that I can't take any time off work because I am very behind on a lot of projects so I made it to the office and trying to tough it out. We'll see how long that lasts. You should have seen me trying to shave my legs this morning. Considering the fact that I can't bend at all, it was quite an experience :-))

I am going to go continue to feel sorry for myself. Toodles!

Oh, forgot about the big news! Soccer Stud is back! Check out what he wrote:

"Hey Girlie Monkey, I want to apologize about the calling thing and the email thing, I am terrible at calling and replying in a timely manner. It is something that I am trying to work on. I enjoy spending time with you as well and I would like to get to know you better, because I think you are great girl. I don't want you to think that sex is all I am interested in. It has just been very hectic time for me with me not having a cell phone, just finishing up with the season, camps, and traveling for my C License Course. I have also been trying to get a job because I don't have any steady income coming in at the moment. That is another reason I have been hesitant towards you and I want to apologize for that. I just recently got back from Oklahoma. I was there for the first week of my C License Course. I have to leave again this Wednesday. I don't know if you want anything to do with me any more, but I hope that is not the case. I hope to hear from you soon. "