Monday, April 28, 2008

Love him, love him not, love him, love him not...


I have a lot on my mind right now.... The next 3 weeks are going to be extremely stressful at work and otherwise but the big debate I have going on in my head at the moment is whether I am happy in my relationship with MB or not....


As I wrote before, we have gotten really close in the past few months. While the words haven't been said, he is in love with me but I am not sure I am in love with him. I can honestly say that my life without him will not be the same; however, I am about to turn 28 in June and I can't help but wonder if I have time to be with someone I am not sure I can potentially see myself with long-term.




I've always been one of those girls who vowed not to ever settle for anything less than perfect for me; I didn't mind being single; I didn't mind going home alone every night. I had an epiphany recently though when contemplating whether I should tell MB what I am thinking or wait and see how it turns out.. I realized that I am absolutely terrified of being alone again! It is such a strange feeling for me and, needless to say, I am ashamed of feeling that way but that is the truth.




That being said, my Mom has a theory that I never completely agreed with. She always said that in any relationship, there was always one person who loved the other person more. The other person "allowed" the first person to love him/her. I am starting to wonder if my mother was right. Every time I was really into the guy, I felt like I was more into him than he was into me. With MB it is the other way around. In the past i didn't allow myself to get into a relationship like that but I gave MB a chance.




I attempted to jot down the pros and cons to see if that helps me decide where to go from here:


What I like about MB:



  • He thinks I am the most incredible, beautiful and smart woman in the world


  • He respects me


  • He loves me for me, with all of my quirks


  • He never makes me wait; he calls when he says he will, he shows up when he says he will. (This one seems like it would be a given with the boyfriend but wasn't usually the case with my previous boyfriends)


  • He has a decent job and the potential to grow his career


  • He is taller than me... even when I am wearing heals. (yes, that is my one superficial requirement)


  • He will do anything to make me happy

What I don't like about MB(note: I am not trying to sound arrogant and/or conceited here; just stating the facts):




  • He is a recovering cocaine addict. While he has not done any drugs for about 6 months and promised me that he would not, at least as long as we are together, because I told him I wouldn't have anything to do with him if he did; it still scares me.


  • He drinks more than I would like him to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a nice drink and can party like a rock star on occasion but MB's mother is sort of an alcoholic and I can see those tendencies in him as well. It might be something he'll grow out of but what if he doesn't?


  • As stated by MB himself and every single one of his friends, I am way out of his league. I am not going to get into details here but let's just say, they have a point here.


  • He is not as athletic as I would like him to be. I am not talking about how buff he is or anything like that but I enjoy working out and doing physical activities outside but MB's idea of "doing something outside" is "porch drinking".


  • Last but certainly not least, I am not THAT sexually attracted to him. I think the problems we had at the beginning of our relationship, that I mentioned in previous posts, took the toll on me. Technically the sex has gotten better but I am "just not that into it" I guess...

I still don't know what to do here but writing down my concerns helped... Thanks for reading!

8 comments:

Carla O'Callaghan said...

My advice -- as the relationship expert I am --

seriously think about getting out --

your thoughts seem really clear on paper - and it's been my experience that when you're in the stage of asking if you want to be with someone --

you don't want to be with them.

m said...

I'm with Keri. RUN!

I talked recently with someone who's been married for 20+ years. He said that the passion - that intense attraction and love - is necessary, esp when you get 20 years in!

The addiction tendencies make me nervous too. Not that addicts don't deserve second chances, but, still... with everything else you said, it seems like this is fizzling....??

BV said...

Sorry my dear, but I'm in total agreement with keri oki and mindy.

I actually had this type of a conversation with one of my girl friends on Saturday night. She had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy that she thought was nice... but that's it. The attraction wasn't there and she doesn't think it ever was, but she stuck with him because he was the first guy that she dated that called her back when he said he would and took out for dinner and what not.

The pros are nice, but the cons seem to weigh a bit heavier on your list. It is hard getting used to being "alone" again, but it gets easier.

P.S.- My mom always told me that in a relationship, one person is always just a tiny bit more in love than the other, too. Are mothers built in with this kind of stuff?

Girlie Monkey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Girlie Monkey said...

Keri Oki: Good point... however, I have always been scared of commitment so I always had these questions in my mind no matter who I was with... Or maybe that just means I have never dated the right guy? Who knows!

Mindy: The thing is, all I ever did was run at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. I am wondering if that was always the right thing to do. I actually really do enjoy the time MB and I spend together and I care for him very deeply, so it wouldn't be that easy

Curlygirl: Do Moms take some sort of a class on this stuff? interesting!

All in all, I appreciate all of the feedback, ladies, and I can see your point but I don't think I am ready to give up just yet. Both MB and I are thinking about looking for new jobs, which would most likely mean moving away from this town. I am sure that situation would force us into making some decisions. I'll keep you posted!

Unknown said...

Oh wow! Girlie, I've been down that road before. I can feel how torn you are. You know what though? I agree with Keri, Mindy and Curly Girl.

From what you wrote down, those are very reasonable reasons to not want to be with someone. If you're having doubts like those, then there is obviously a really good reason for having them. Though he may be amazing in so many ways and he may treat you like a goddess, there are so many other reasons you have mentioned to not stay with him.

I think the sex part is an important part of a relationship. It's not the most important part of a relationship, but it is pretty important :)

If you're having doubts, then you most likely know already that he's not right for you.

Unknown said...

Ooops! Hey, Girlie! I didn't read your comment before I posted mine :) Good luck and fill us in on how things progress ;)

R said...

Doesn't sound like you love him for anything other than a friend.

I'm sorry...I wish I could say that it sounds like you guys are made for each other, but maybe for the time being just see where it goes?