Love him, love him not, love him, love him not...

I have a lot on my mind right now.... The next 3 weeks are going to be extremely stressful at work and otherwise but the big debate I have going on in my head at the moment is whether I am happy in my relationship with MB or not....

As I wrote before, we have gotten really close in the past few months. While the words haven't been said, he is in love with me but I am not sure I am in love with him. I can honestly say that my life without him will not be the same; however, I am about to turn 28 in June and I can't help but wonder if I have time to be with someone I am not sure I can potentially see myself with long-term.

I've always been one of those girls who vowed not to ever settle for anything less than perfect for me; I didn't mind being single; I didn't mind going home alone every night. I had an epiphany recently though when contemplating whether I should tell MB what I am thinking or wait and see how it turns out.. I realized that I am absolutely terrified of being alone again! It is such a strange feeling for me and, needless to say, I am ashamed of feeling that way but that is the truth.

That being said, my Mom has a theory that I never completely agreed with. She always said that in any relationship, there was always one person who loved the other person more. The other person "allowed" the first person to love him/her. I am starting to wonder if my mother was right. Every time I was really into the guy, I felt like I was more into him than he was into me. With MB it is the other way around. In the past i didn't allow myself to get into a relationship like that but I gave MB a chance.

I attempted to jot down the pros and cons to see if that helps me decide where to go from here:

What I like about MB:

• 
  
  He thinks I am the most incredible, beautiful and smart woman in the world


• 
  
  He respects me


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  He loves me for me, with all of my quirks


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  He never makes me wait; he calls when he says he will, he shows up when he says he will. (This one seems like it would be a given with the boyfriend but wasn't usually the case with my previous boyfriends)


• 
  
  He has a decent job and the potential to grow his career


• 
  
  He is taller than me... even when I am wearing heals. (yes, that is my one superficial requirement)


• 
  
  He will do anything to make me happy

What I don't like about MB(note: I am not trying to sound arrogant and/or conceited here; just stating the facts):

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  He is a recovering cocaine addict. While he has not done any drugs for about 6 months and promised me that he would not, at least as long as we are together, because I told him I wouldn't have anything to do with him if he did; it still scares me.


• 
  
  He drinks more than I would like him to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a nice drink and can party like a rock star on occasion but MB's mother is sort of an alcoholic and I can see those tendencies in him as well. It might be something he'll grow out of but what if he doesn't?


• 
  
  As stated by MB himself and every single one of his friends, I am way out of his league. I am not going to get into details here but let's just say, they have a point here.


• 
  
  He is not as athletic as I would like him to be. I am not talking about how buff he is or anything like that but I enjoy working out and doing physical activities outside but MB's idea of "doing something outside" is "porch drinking".


• 
  
  Last but certainly not least, I am not THAT sexually attracted to him. I think the problems we had at the beginning of our relationship, that I mentioned in previous posts, took the toll on me. Technically the sex has gotten better but I am "just not that into it" I guess...

I still don't know what to do here but writing down my concerns helped... Thanks for reading!

How could you?

I am not the one to cry at the drop of a hat but this essay brought tears to my eyes. Why do people think dogs are disposable toys?!

"How Could You?"
Copyright Jim Willis 2001

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" ­ but then you'd relent, and roll me over for a bellyrub.
My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.
Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.
She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" ­ still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."
As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch ­ because your touch was now so infrequent ­ and I would have defended them with my life if need be.
I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.
Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.
I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.
After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"
They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you ­ that you had changed your mind ­ that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.
I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.
She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"
Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself ­ a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.
May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.
The End

TGIFing....

Important question here, kids:

HOW DO YOU STAY MOTIVATED AT WORK?

The thing is, I have a separate office in a different building from anyone else I work with, which means I can pretty much do whatever I want, i. e. pick my nose and eat some messy food while reading your blogs. I really do enjoy that part of my daily routine. However, I am starting to think I am allergic to my office because right around 2pm I get super unmotivated and sleepy and it lasts up until I leave work. As soon as I walk out the door, I am full of energy. What is wrong with me? After a couple of days of doing nothing in the afternoons, I usually end up having to work on weekends to meet the deadlines - definitely not the smartest way to use my time.

Any suggestions on how I can keep myself focused in the afternoons would be greatly appreciated!

Side note: DO NOT EVER GO TO SEE "MEET THE BROWNS" - IT IS THE MOST BORING LONG ASS (2 HRS) MOVIE EVER!!!

A word about the dangers of drunk-dialing/facebooking/myspacing/emailing/texting...

Don't say I didn't warn you!!! Try to refrain from doing any of the above when drunk, kids! Trust me! Experience talking here!

So, I went to a party at a friend's house last Friday, which turned out to be more fun than I expected so I stayed a little too late and drank a little too much (damn those "kamikaze" shots!). Upon stumbling up the stairs to my apartment at 3am I decided that it was a perfect time to have a texting conversation with Matt (army guy living in NC, remember?).

Me: "Hey stranger are you awake?" {why wouldn't he be, right? nobody ever sleeps at 3am, right?}

He never answered. Did I stop there? Oh no, I logged on to MySpace so I can send him a message.
Here's how it went down.

Me: I texted you earlier because I was going to ask you a very weird, random and hypothetical question. I need you to give me an honest answer and then forget that i asked you this. Deal?Here's the question: If we lived in the same zip code, do you think there would have been a possibility for more than random sex between us?I know, I know, you are thinking I am nuts but I have a reason for asking this question.

{He answered within minutes, apparently, my text woke him up}

Matt: hmmm, why are you asking this question in the first place?ANd yes, of course we would date! not just be a random sex partner thingy...yeah weirdo!

Me: That's all I wanted to know ;-)

Matt: why did you want to know? are you coming near here?

Me: Hehehe no, that's not in the plans. I'd rather not explain why I asked you that because you are going to think I am even a bigger weirdo. In fact, I was sort of expecting a different answer

Matt : nah what were you expecting..i mean wtf Girlie Monkey! haha please explain to me and don't be illusive

Me: Ahhhh ok. Well, for some reason, I can't get you out of my head. Even though I only met you once a long time ago... So, I was hoping you'd tell me "no" or just ignore my message so I would get pissed off, come to my senses and forget about it.Yeah, I am nuts ;-)

Matt: awe Girlie Monkey...if we were close I would definitely be your man

Me: You are not helping!

Yeah... I feel like a complete idiot, now that I read this message exchange the next morning. The scary part is - I really do feel that way. Matt seems to have everything I've ever wanted in a guy but he lives on the other side of the country! I am dating MB, who is the best thing that ever happened to me (except for one problem - different story), who treats me like a queen, and what do I do?.... I think about Matt all the time...

While it is true, there is no way I wanted Matt to know any of this (until I took those shots...)

The moral of this story is... well, you got it... put your cell phone and laptop in the freezer prior to going drinking!